Expectation...

Yeah.. I have none..

You know why? the higher our expectation, the more we'll get hurt. MEH!

Don't get me wrong, I expect a lot from myself. But that's just to me-for me.. I don't expect, at least consciously expect something from other people. Because people are people, we all think differently. What we have in mind as "the least I can do" for someone may not be what others have in mind.

Take this recent thing that happened for example.
We used to have lots of "event" at this someone's place and well I'm not trying to claim or anything but I'm pretty sure I was the closest among the rest to this person. She said this a lot when she has an "event".. 'Don't tell everybody, I don't want too many people maybe just you and A and B.' And I would asked her 'Can I at least invite C n D?'
I did that every time, why? maybe it is for my own selfish reason, because I want C n D to be there w/ me so we can have fun together, who knows. I just want them there, period.

Now then, something happened I guess.. I'm not close w/ A anymore and I don't know what she is telling the host, I'll give her the benefit of a doubt that she didn't say anything bad about me. But who knows, who cares, whatever.
But there was an event recently and guess what, I wasn't invited! N you know what, I could careless about that. I don't care if I'm not invited, aight fine maybe I was a little hurt that the host didn't invite me but invited A's friend that's not even close at all. But hey, maybe A asked the host if her friend could come. Who knows. I'm not gonna make assumption.
I guess what hurt me the most was the fact that my friend went around the bush instead of telling me straight up. That hurts. I guess I did have expectation from this friend that she would at least be honest w/ me or something. I don't know, maybe we think differently but I would like to find out from the friend that I trust, no matter how hurtful it would be, instead of to find out later on. It hurts twice as much.
Or maybe I unconsciously expect them to do what I did, to ask the host if it's ok to ask me to go? I don't know. I couldn't really blame anybody though, because beside the host that kept saying 'why do you want them to come all the time, they are probably busy', nobody knows that I did that. And no, when I did that I don't expect anything in return, I just want them there w/ me, because I love them and I love having them around.

I guess I did unconsciously had expectation. But look at that, it does nothing but harm. I just got hurt, again. LOL! I guess I never really learned my lesson. Ah well. Lesson learned, maybe?? LOL!
N I'm pretty sure people prolly have their disappointed moments w/ me too, because they expect more from me. So there you go. I know I'm not "perfect", so I know I couldn't really be upset either. Hey, 'poker face' come back to me!!! XP

Ah well..What's done is done. We'll all move on eventually, it'll all be fine eventually. It's all good. =)


Xo for now,

-Na-

I'm sad...

 

I'm a little bummed right now.

I know I shouldn't be but I am.

I feel like a big chunk of me is missing.

I knew this would happen.

This is why I don't like to depend on anyone.

But it happened.

I gave a piece of myself.

Lesson learned.

It's time to let go.

Get over it.

 

Xo for now,

-Na- 

Speechless...

When the whole family wants you to be their...

daughter in law

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. .

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sister in law

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. .

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grand daugther in law

.

. .

.

niece in law

.

. .

. . .

. . . .

. . . . . .

. . . . . . .

. . . . . . . .

. . . . . .

. . . . .

. . . .

. . .

. .

.

SPEECHLESS...

is acceptable right?

Xo for now,

-Na-

Approach and be approached

What is up peepz?! Been a while. =D

So just had small group tonight.. a discussion came up about a very conversational topic. So not gonna go there and discuss it here. We all probably have in mind what it's about right? right? if not, go check out today's news. 

We were talking about Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, and how He shows the way by say hanging out w/ those who aren't saved. That's how it all started, got pretty "heated up" on the "topic".

Basically one mentioned is protesting against certain belief the right thing to do? Isn't there a better way?
Another said, there will always be a better way, we just have to stand for what we believe in, defend what we believe in.
What would Jesus do? One said He would tell the truth although it hurts. Yes that maybe true but He would base it on love.
Go around and around in wrong, right, better, etc. Pretty much an argument between 2 people. I tried to be the middle ground but it's kinda hard when 1 of them is sooo stubborn and I would say a little close minded.

At the end, I said, you know what... I think it's not about better or right or wrong or defending what we believe in. It's about our approach to it. Is protesting against something really the approach we want to take?
Then I told them about a conversation at work this morning about a coworker of mine's mom. She went to church once and she loved it. BUT, the 2nd time she went, the church representative said, "if you want to be a member of the church, you have to tithe/donate this amount". And that just made her "whooooaa... this is uncool and tell the church off. Why is my faith being judge by money?"

Do you see what's wrong there? YUP, the approach is totally bad. I would totally turn around and left if that happened to me. I'm all about tithing but you can't just tell someone to give their money up and in specific amount too.
I'm so glad we don't do that in our church. Although it still bugs the heck out of me every time we have AGM and certain people would ask sooooo detail about the money issue, especially offering and tithing, like where the money go, etc.
Every time, in my head, I'm like really?! why?! you gave the money for you love offering to God, why do you have to know so detail where the money went? It's donation, you gave it up willingly, so just trust that it goes to the right places for the right thing, for God. SIGH!

But anyway, back to this approaching. I think there are better ways to approach certain issues, certain people and violence, negativity isn't the answer. Base everything on love right? So I'm sure instead of protesting against something, we can approach the issues nicely. Sure, it will take some times, it will take lots of patience, it will take energy. BUT at least it will hopefully eventually be fruitful. What does protesting against something do? NOTHING. ZERO. NADA. ZIT. NIL. It just creates more negativity.
So the next time, why don't we step back a little and think about it before we go out there and protest about something?! YUP!

ANYWHO! talking about good approach and basing everything on love. You know.. Eve was created from Adam's rib to be side by side of him, to be equal. Not from his head to be higher than him and not from his feet to be lower than him.
Why does certain man think it's ok to put woman down?! SMH!

If you are husband and wife, you argue, sure it's normal, it's fine. I think a relationship w/o a good "argument" is kind of blah. BUT there are different approaches to handle it here. I mean come on! if say, your wife don't agree w/ you on something and you are outside w/ people around you, why would you just battle it out there?!
If it's part of the discussion, one could do a different approach than say stuff like "don't touch me, I don't feel like talking anymore." Maybe like, "hey you know what, I don't agree on what you said. But let's stop here and we can talk more later at home"
SIGH! I can't anymore.

Isn't it in the bible that husband is to lead the wife, the family? BUT there is no where in the bible that said you can put your wife down. Husband is simply there to be the leader, to influence (biblically-based of course)- not to dictate, not to put down, not to demand.

I would let my husband lead me because that's how it's suppose to be BUT! we, women, are created to be equal, we are here to help men to lead, to grow together. Not to be put down. So women out there, don't be afraid to speak out! A good husband..heck let's not go that far, a good man would never put woman down. As the son of God himself born of a woman.

'Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.' ~ Colossians 3:19

'So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female, he created them' ~Genesis 1:27


Approach and be approached, be approachable. Respect and be respected, be respectful.


Xo for now,

-Na-

The Story of the Girl that just Turned a New Age

Oh hey! what's up!

Exactly 27 years ago at 11:55, I forgot if it's am or pm unfortunately (gotta check w/ parents), a little baby girl finally decided to go ahead and end the nervousness of her mom that was going to get C-section at exactly 12 o'clock and born into this world, at a hospital in a town called Malang in East Java province.
Word on the street is, she was sooo fair w/ very pink cheeks like apples. Some people asked jokingly to the parents if they bathed her in 'rinso'-a famous clothes detergent back then- because she was very very fair.
This little fair baby unfortunately didn't like milk, the parents had to gave her this glucose thing for her to get some nutrition. She grew up, very very picky w/ food, she didn't like to eat. Her parents, well dad mostly had to go around town on a becak - a public transportation w/ 3 wheels and a cart? they have em around 34th street for tourist- just to find her food that she would eat. Unfortunately the cheeky little girl would just eat a few bites of the food, stop, and make the dad eat the rest. She was really skinny and bony.

Eventually when she was 3, the family moved to Jakarta. The little girl went to kindergarten, St. Bernadette, and she was a cry baby. She would cry at the fence of the school for her dad that dropped her at school. That went on till she was 4ish, when she erm somehow changed and got her very first detention! When she was 5, she moved to another kindergarten, St. Jacobus. She stayed there till she graduated from grade school.
There she was very involved w/ lots of stuff like choir, dancing, drawing, different kind of sport (baseball, badminton, karate, whatever else she could get her hands to), girl scouts, the flag bearer, altar girl, little doctor, and many more.

However, most importantly, she was well known to beat up boys! Not w/ no reason but because the boys just liked to bother her all the time. She had very light brown hair, fair skin, and pink cheeks back then.. so they liked to call her 'bule' which is a word that people there use to call white people. Most people there would be happy to be call that but nope, not her, she didn't like it and the boys wouldn't leave her alone about it and of course the same old 'shorty' and just protecting her friends those were being bothered too. Too bad for the boys, the little cry baby somehow turned into a Xena.
Funny thing was, the teachers and principal-a nun loved her. She also helped the nun to grade exam and any other activities. Could be because she always got 100 at religion (catholic)? her parents teased her that she could be a nun one day.

At the same school, the misunderstanding btwn her and a boy she was very close too started. Yup, all the "ooo..she likes him, ooo there is something going on btwn them" started that early. And her not caring about it, started that early too.

Junior and senior high school she moved to a different school, another catholic school. She toned down a little, didn't beat up boys, had a "clique" w/ 3 other girls called Na4, involved in music, took guitar lesson, involved in the same old "she likes him, he likes her" misunderstanding.
Crushes, boyfriend, enemy, dramas, yup the usual high school thing. Nothing really all that special.

Finally she graduated and moved to the U.S.A for collage. Thank God for opening her way and to her uncle. Iowa state! she was going to go into graphic but she realized it's not the same graphic she had in mind.. so she stayed in art and suddenly jumped and decided to do double degree in art and design + textile and clothing - fashion basically just a had more technical thing hence it was under bachelor of science. 4 years there, didn't really experience culture shock, just a lil shocked on how friendly people were and how small that town was.
Collage was a great experience for her, all her friends were always older, always the baby. Traveled to some states w/ them, partied like prolly twice.
Here she took Mandarin and got in touch with her real root as a Chinese girl instead of ermm..the unknown, since technically she wasn't accepted in Indo yet she wouldn't be accepted in China either. Did some performance in Mandarin, wrote a story that was published in some Chinese magazine thing.
She sure had her fun times and of course created her very own clothing lines! and yes that means hours and hours in the sewing lab. But it was all worth it when the fashion show happened.

And here she is now in NY! This isn't her first time here, she was here just a little before she graduated, for an internship. Experienced the living in Manhattan, dang expensive it was.
But hey, she had a good time, she learned, she lived alone and grew up.

She is here now in NY, been almost 5 years now. Wow!
The highlight of her NY life so far is that God somehow "reunited" her w/ this girl, M, from collage that was a friend of a friend and M asked her one day to go crabbing for a church event and she went. Then M asked her again to go to church and just to see and she went. She wasn't sure at first since she was from Catholic background and it had been years since she went to church.

But boy, that little cry baby girl sure is glad that God guide her in the way He guided her. She got to meet these awesome people from Bethel, they accepted her like she was part of the family.
And most importantly, somehow God told her to stay and she did and she sure doesn't regret it.

Right this very moment, that little girl, not so little anymore, well ok maybe size wise she is still little. Anyway, that little girl is me, duh? I surely am glad on how things have turned out. Who knew 27 years ago that I would end up here.
I moved around a lot, people came into my life and left, I did the same to them.But I'm so glad for those who stay around, no matter how bratty, annoying, or mean I can be.
For those who came and left, I'm also glad because they are part of who I am.
The fun experience, the bad experiences, and most importantly the learning experiences. Everything is mixed in in one big ok small body namely me! Hopefully by turning into a new age, God will bless me w/ wisdom, I know I still have some growing up to do. But hey, life is a learning experience right? there is always a blessing in every lesson (blesson)!

Cheers to getting older!


Xo for now,

-Na-

The Thought in Dates

So, dates.. hmm.. what do you expect on a date night? Wine and dine? Broadway shows? Movies? Fancy restaurants? Home cooked meal?

Me? eh.. I'm not much of a wine and dine girl. I don't need all the fancy stuff. Truth be told, I don't really like it when a guy try so hard to impress a girl-me.
I think what's important in a date night is the time you spend w/ that person. It's not the food, it's not the movie, it's not the wine, yada yada. It's the time and the companion.
I mean seriously, if you love-ok like since this is only dates... anything else but the person you are with isn't important, right? LOL!
However, I like a great conversation! So please talk.. try to talk, anything, everything, no matter how random it is. Don't get me wrong, I like comfortable silence too,  but yeah.

Yes, I'm an easy date.. BUT it kind of annoys me when my date is late, unless he has a good excuse, tardiness just annoys me in general, not talking only about dates. AND last minute cancellation w/o a valid excuse. Strike one there, buddy. LOL!

However, there is one thing that would totally sweep me off my feet! a surprise! LOL! Yeah.. I love surprises.. no matter how tiny it is. I guess it's not a surprise, I love giving people surprises...so it's normal that I love it too, no? I just love it every time I see their happy surprised faces. It's like that "=D my job here is done!" moment. TEEHEE.
And I LOVE it when someone cooks for me! hehehehehe! Oh and it'd be even better if my date takes the lead and decides on stuff. Don't get me wrong, I like to decide on stuff too, but sometimes, I like to be spoiled and just show up w/o doing anything. It adds to that element of surprise, especially if he gets everything to a 'T' right on what I do/don't enjoy. ;p

But yeah bottom line.. fanciness and trying so hard to impress aren't necessary. Just be who you are and let nature take its course. ;)


Xo for now,

-Na-

The Thought in Jealousy

I think it's kind of cute when a guy is being all jealous BUT only in the right amount. Cute jealousy and being possessive are like completely 2 different things.

Cute jealousy are like.. 

• 'so, you said he is cute w/ bangs, how about me? am I cute w/ bangs?'
• 'I want a hug too!!'
• 'aww...you are going out w/ your friends this weekend? I want to spend time w/ you'

Those are kind of cute..

But, cute jealously can only go so far before it turns annoying and becoming a "back off" situation.

Just being random..

Xo for now,

-Na-

In Between..what else is new?

I feel like all my life I've been put in between people that I love and it is the hardest position to be in. All the while, I always always try my best to be the mediator and I'm still not used to it and honestly if I could, I would rather not be in this position. But hey, I know God put me here for a reason, so it's ok. :)

In my family.. well yeah, let's not even talk about that part. But it's just never end and it's the hardest position to be put in between my parents and my sibling. Truth be told tho, the only thing I can do is just eat it and rant about. I can't pick a side, ok, maybe I won't. Meh.. forget it.

Now between friends, I usually avoid it as much as possible. NO, I won't be that friend that hate my friend's hated person. See, if you are my friend and you hate A, NO, DO NOT expect me to hate A because of you. Unless there is a reasonable VALID excuse, but if it's only just because you don't like A for no apparent reason or some dramas then leave me out of it. I'll still be your friend and A's friend and if either of you have a problem w/ it, then, oh well too bad, you both don't need to be my friend. This girl don't need no drama in her life.

However, something happened just now. It may not be a big deal but it is for me. So I posted something on facebook and tagged a close friend, D on it. Later, another friend of mine, T-well we used to be so close but distance makes a difference I guess? But anyway, I still care about T.
Basically, T is one of my gay friends and no I don't care what anybody say, I care about him. To be fair, I don't care about your preference, as long as you are a good person, you treat other people right, who am I to judge based on his preference? Even God doesn't judge any of us and gay or not, he is God's children too.

So anyway, T was saying stuff about that company on my post hates gay people and he got a little heated up about it.
Now, on the other hand, my close friend, D-well I just don't want any confrontation shows up on his page is all and I dunno taint his reputation?! LOL! He probably doesn't care but I somehow do. I don't know how D's friends feel about it and all. I probably made a big deal out of nothing, but I felt like I was put in between and I had to decide what to do.
After a nice warm shower.. LOL! I decided to send a message to T and tell him that I have to delete his comments because I don't want D's page to get any heat. I said it in the nicest way possible, I even said sorry. I was kinda worried, because T is a little sensitive and I don't want him to get upset. But, guess what?! it's all good! T messaged me back and he totally understands. I guess as long as you are being honest and considerate and do everything in love, it'll all be fine, huh? =)

Well I'm glad! =)

'Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.' ~ 1 Corinthians 16:13-14


Xo for now,

-Na-

The Thoughts in The Snow

As you may or may not know, I'm probably one of the few people that's pretty happy about this snow. Why do I love snow when most find it meehhhh?! Here is a list..XP

• it's nice and cold! LOL! don't roll your eyes! I love the cold! PPHHHBBTT!
• it's white and pretty, ok maybe not every where but if you look at the bright side, it is white and pretty, ok?! HEEE..
• it's fun to play with, could be a nice, cute outdoor activities w/ the loved ones. haha..

Here is the most important one for me..
I find it very calming and those footprints we left on it kind of remind me of our lives.
Remember that saying.. 'some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never the same.'
Yup! snow kind of reminds me of that. The white snow on the ground is just like the pure hearts and our foot prints on it..well the footprints on the heart.
Every time we walk on it, though the footprints will be covered w/ more snow, they will "remain" there. Same as how we/people are in others/our lives. We/they came into people's/our lives, whatever we/they do, it'll affect the other people/us, it'll leave footprints.
And just like how it is walking on the snow, be very careful where we step our feet on.. we might slip, we might hurt those people's hearts.

A little cheeseball? oh well too bad.. I'm kinda a cheeseball sometimes.. n I do enjoy some cheeseballs! LOL!

So let's make some great memorable footprints. =)

Wish I've someone to play w/ me in the snow right now! Hmph! :T


Xo for now,

-Na-

Big Baby..

I'm tired, drained, and beat up.. I so wanted to be a big baby today.
But I'll stop now and I'm gonna go rational everything that has happened like I usually do. LOL!
It sucks that everything happened all at the same time, one after the other. But you know what, I'm sure God knows I'm a big girl and I can handle myself w/ His guidance and of course through the helping hands of those people He put in my life.

Am I simpleminded? LOL! Someone just called me innocent last night..which was kinda a "huh?" moment for me. But hey, if being simpleminded/innocent means problem will not be as hard.. I'll be simpleminded, that's cool! LOL!

Everything happened for a reason.. There is a reason why God put us through some stuff, why He put some people in our lives.

Yup, I'm gonna go w/ that.


I'm a big girl.. I can handle myself.. I just need a hug I guess..


Xo for now,

-Na-

Rational/Emotional

I used to think I'm a pretty rational person. But now I realized, sometimes it is hard to be all rational when it's involving a lot of other people.

Something happened..not gonna elaborate. But I have to choose between being the me that can just easily cut people out of my life or being the other side of me that put other people's feelings first.
Honestly it's not that hard for me to cut people out of my life especially since I've that "care list". In my almost 27 years of life.. dang!!! I will be 27 soon!!!! SMH! LOL! So yeah, I cut 7 people out of my life. After all, "it's either you are in or you are out!"(Tim Gunn's reference-lol).

Anyway, all those people, usually it's only the relation between us 2, so it's dang easy.. strike! you are out! But now I'm faced w/ a situation where what I will or will not do could easily affect other people.
I'm trying to rational all the facts and consequences but somehow at the end, I always ended up w/ "it'll hurt their feelings". I would care less if it's only the 1 person that created the "situation" (haha..the situation.. jersey shore!lol!), unfortunately, it'll affect other people those aren't even involve in the matter. They have nothing to do w/ the situation but they would get the consequences.

I think I said this before, but you know that method of, "maybe I'll make them don't like me instead" crossed my mind. I know it's so wrong and unfair to them but I would rather be the one that got hurt instead of hurting others. I mean 1 person being hurt is better than 6 people, right? No, not trying to be some kinda "martyr" here but I don't know.
Actually, a good friend said yesterday, "if you don't tell them anything, you will ended up hurting them at the end. It's not your decision what they would or wouldn't do for you." Along that line. Before last night, before this situation, I actually did say that to myself. You know sometimes people have that question "what would you do if you know you will die tomorrow?" You know what I have in mind every time? No, I've never share this with anybody ever. BUT, I'm not good w/ goodbyes, I just can't handle all the emotions. So, my answer to that question was, well I will spend my time as much as I can w/ those people I love, then when it's time, I would just walk away and disappear. In part of my head, it is best for them instead of being all sad about it. But then, the other side of my head was like.."u are being unfair to them! maybe they want to be there for you, be your support and want to spend THEIR time w/ you. You are being selfish because you get as much as them as you can n w/o them knowing you will just disappear." YEAH! I converse w/ myself all the time. LOL!
To think about it now, it's almost like our Christian lives, you can't just take, take, take. Take all the blessings, take all the prayers, take all the fellowship from other people. We have to give back too in order for our Christian lives to grow. In the same sense, you can't just give, give, give either.. I guess everything just needs to be balance. Hmm.. yeah.

Then another that was brought up by my friend was "either you choose the loner path or you choose to share w/ those people you care about". Honestly, I chose the loner path all the time, I would rather not share my problems w/ people if I can handle them myself, well in my head at least, I think I can. Tho at the end I would get annoyed by stuff. Like, a long time ago, someone said something like "why don't you ever spend money on yourself? live a little! or, it's just $30, it's not a big deal-something like that". I almost snap and would love to say "you don't know where I'm coming from, you don't know my struggle, actually you don't know anything about me! don't say stuff like that.. If you think $30 is nothing then, why don't you pay for it!". BUT I didn't say that, I took a step back and realized, well they didn't know anything about me, coz I don't tell them anything, it's not their fault.
In my defense, I was like, well it's not your fault either, it's your life, it's your choice to tell or not tell it. You don't owe anybody any explanation.

You know what, this is why I avoid feelings and emotions! me no like! lol! But hey, God put us through something for a reason, right? maybe it's to help myself grow or maybe it's His mission for me to help the other party grows. Whatever it is, I know He will guide me through it. N eventually we will all get over it. ;)

Eh, eh.. I'll come up w/ a decision soon.. the one that hopefully won't hurt either parties.. =) Maybe it's true that the truth will set us free.. we shall see.


Xo for now,

-Na-

Mighty to Save

'Compassion'.. every time I hear that word, it reminds me of the song Mighty to Save by Hillsong United.
If we google that word though, there are few synonyms 'pity - mercy - sympathy - commiseration - ruth - clemency'.
'Pity', I dislike that word! I don't like being pitied, I mean, who does? Being pitied sounds like a lost little puppy on the street in a rainy day. You can't help but feel sorry for it. It is different than actually care for someone.

Be it as it may, 'everyone needs compassion', right?
We all know that one person that seems to be always in trouble but whenever being asked, he/she said they don't wanna talk about it.
It gets old fast, but I think at the end of the day, we have to think as our Father. What would He do? Let's face it, toward our Father, we are just like that one person that we know. Most times, we are in trouble yet instead of talking to Him about it, we chose to..hm.. I don't know be all grumpy, annoyed, angry, or whatever else.
But then EVERY time, He is always there for us, in His merciful way taking care of us.
I know no matter how annoying I've been, He is always there for me. Love that's never failing indeed.

With Him in mind, I'm trying my very best to talk to this friend of mine that seems to be in trouble a lot. Tell you the truth, it's really hard for me to talk to him, we are not really that close and well it's hard to reach out to someone that doesn't give anything back. I mean, one can only reach out so much.
However, I know sooner or later, it could be to me or it could be to someone else, it really doesn't matter, he will eventually open up and talk about whatever problem he may have. I'm sure with just little pushes here and there, he will eventually reach back out instead of just making people reaching out to him.
Don't get me wrong, I would get annoyed every now and then but I tried to remind myself, "hey how about God?! what happened when He got annoyed cause we don't talk to Him? Would He get upset? Would He just walk away from you and your life?" And of course my answer to my own question to myself is a 'NO'. LOL! Yes, I talked to myself sometimes. HAHA.

But anywho, just thought I should blog about this to remind me-self in the future (cause sometimes I get annoyed and couldn't think straight and forget all about it) when it happens again that 'everyone needs compassion..love that's never failing' that's include that friend of mine.

Well, as I told him, he may not be too comfortable talking to me but I hope he finds that one person he can talk to. Truth be told I don't like talking to people about my problems either, but I've those people that would reach out to me and somehow asked all the right questions to make me share and they made me feel better. I'm really grateful to have them in my life indeed! =)


"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." ~John 13:34-35


Xo for now,

-Na-

ps: I updated Future Reference and Na at Random XP

Beating Myself Up!

So you know how I avoid all emotional stuff possible? Well, I guess sooner or later one will crack.

I'm not gonna go into detail but I have something that has been bothering me. And I don't like adding my problem to people that have their own problems.
Anyway, today, well guess I should say yesterday, was prolly the weirdest day possible for me. Was at church, was normal w/ the kids yada yada. Then we had our annual meeting yada yada.

Afterwards, something just hit me.. I felt really bad like there was something HUGE and HEAVY on my chest. I didn't feel like talking to people, I didn't even care what was going on around me. I tried my best to get rid of 'it' but I couldn't. So I just got up and left. I walked and walked and walked around Chinatown all by myself to make myself feel better... yeah, it didn't work that well.
It's funny, when I was walking, I met Auntie Mary. She would be the last person I would think would ask me a question 'is everything ok?'. Funny thing was, I was just walking w/ my ipod on and I still smiled and waved when I saw her. But she kept asking if I was ok. I was a little taken aback by it, am I really that easy to read? does my face show it all?

At the end, I ended up at church and I just sat there by myself charging my phone n playing w/ it. People trickled in one by one from I guess lunch and of course they wondered why I was alone n wearing my coat. I think it's always a clear indication for people that there is something wrong w/ me when I don't talk to people or wear my coat inside. LOL! But of course, I'm me, I just brushed them off. Even after Cynter tried asking n giving me a hug, it didn't work. They knew something is up, even people that always bother me, held back and left me alone.

But anyway, Bo n I went for bubble tea, I came back n tried to be all normal. Played around a little, got teased around about this boy-whose name shall not be mention- by PJ n Jacob, people bothered and teased me a little. Then, one by one they went home. There were 3 of us left, I don't really know what happened, we were gonna go home but we were stuck there n ended up chat and chat and chat.

Not sure what part hit me, I suddenly let my issue slipped out n I just broke down! URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I let that happened! I'm seriously beating myself up right now. GAAAHHHH!!!!!! In my life, there is only 1 person outside my immediate family that has seen me broke down like that and I'm sure it freaked her out a little since I'm not usually like that. N now 2 people! Oh gosh!!!! N no, the 2 people aren't those people I would usually have a deep conversation with. Ok maybe one of them is.. but still nobody was suppose to saw me like that!! I would eventually maybe maybe not prolly I'm still not sure actually tell a good friend of mine. Actually, after what happened today, I'm not sure I should tell him, I don't want him to be all freaked out by seeing me like that. And I have a feeling if I retell it, I'll break down yet again.

If you read this good friend of mine, just prepare yourself mentally if at the end I decide to tell you. And I apologize before hand if you end up seeing me break down. LOL!

I'll play it by ear I guess.


Xo for now,

-Na-

Am I Overprotective?

So I just heard a very very disturbing story about someone that I really care about.
Apparently when she was younger, she was sexually harassed by a boy. He touched her boobs and tried to touch her part down there! I was FURIOUS!!!!!! WTF! Problem is she didn't tell anybody until 2 years later and she didn't tell me till now!
If I had known the same day it happened, I'm not even joking, that boy would've fly across the room. For his own good, he better not comes back ever again! I don't even care if he is the younger brother of this other girl I know ex-boyfriend. No matter who he is related to, it doesn't matter, it won't help with the fact that he hurt someone that I really care about.
Seriously that boy should never ever step his foot there ever again!

Now, cause of that, I suddenly thought, "am I overprotective to those people I really care about?".
Actually, not too long ago, someone said something along the line "boy, you are really too protective over (insert name here)!" Mind you that person was talking about a guy that is bigger than me that wouldn't need my protection. I just didn't/don't want him to get hurt because of some stupid girls' issues!
So boys and girls, while I'm being nice, please DO NOT play w/ those people I care about feelings! Don't ever intentionally try hurt them! First of all, it would make you an A@#$@#hole, 2nd of all, you might have to deal w/ me. =)
For me, it's normal to be protective to those people I care about but I'm never overprotective. I never prohibited those people I care about from doing something just because I'm afraid for them to get hurt. Nah, none of that, because I also believe in 'sometimes you need to learn from mistakes'. But anyway, what I do is protect them from "outside strange objects" that might hurt them.

Thinking back, this started since I was 7 years old! Ha! yeah, I know I started really young! LOL! But anyway, I was known to beat up boys that would bother me when I was younger and one day, some boys bothered one of my girl friends and guess what I did?! yup! I beat them up! HAHAHA! oh what fun. Funny thing tho, that girl n I were known/called as 2 dolls. She was Indian dolls, I was Japanese doll. LOL! I didn't live up to that name, huh? since Japanese doll is suppose to be all gentle-well I think it's gentle looking. But, ooppzzies, I beat up boys! lol!
Even my aunt wanted me to take care of my younger cousin that's a boy n was slightly bigger than me! what in the world?!!? -_- 
Of course the nick name changed when that series Xena, the warrior princess, was well known. Yup, you guess it, I was called Xena for the longest time. ROFL! But of course I was always chosen to be the leader of the class I was in. FUN!
Actually, I was so well known in beating up boys that the principal that was a nun called me up to her office and sat me down to talk about this "issues". At the end of the day, she wanted me to stop beating up boys, instead she wants me to tell her and the teachers.
I used this to my advantage, every time.. not kidding every time a boy bothered me in class I would be like "Ma'am!! he is bothering me!!", the boy would get so scared, it's fun! HAHAHA... yeah, I was mischievous. TEEHEE!

One day tho, the nun, I think wanted me to be a lil gentle or maybe she saw me as a person that will be able to protect that she chose me as one of the 'little Doctor' to help take care of others. Yup, I was a "doctor" once. We wore the coat and all that! we were even sworn and got the diploma and what not. HAHA. 

Anyway, this is getting off topic and random! LOL!

Back on the topic, I seriously think I'm not overprotective. I think it's normal that one doesn't want people that one cares about to get hurt. Don't you think so?


Xo for now,

-Na-

The Unusual Beliefs

Wow! I'm on a roll, huh? posting twice in one night or should I say dawn? LOL!

But anyway, I'm sure y'all know how I love watching all the crime series, CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, etc.

Was watching CSI NY just now and there is this guest star that I thought has this ruggedly handsome look! N you guys also know I'm usually not interested in non-Asian guys, heck..when my girl friends were all crazy about how handsome Brad Pitt was, I remember how I said 'seriously?' all the time.
But anyway, back to the CSI guy, his name is Johann Urb, , never heard of him before and yes I actually googled him. LOL!
HOWEVER, I was disappointed after I googled him and saw more photos, eh.. ain't that handsome no more. I guess, I just like his character in CSI, see below.

So,what I'm trying to say is.. you know how some people say 'it's impossible to like someone if we are not attracted to that person physically first.' ? Yeah, I think it's totally possible, if we are not interested to someone like that, just friends and what not but then afterwards we found out how awesome he/she is, characters wise, it wouldn't be shocking that we would actually like that person.
Also, how they say 'if someone said, they like someone because of their personalities/characters, that means that person is ugly'. That's not true too! take this CSI guy for example, I was like wow! but then after I saw more photos of him that I'm sure any other girls will love-he is a model after all! LOL! But I was disappointed, I really just liked his characters/personalities. Ooppzies. XP

Anyway, since we are in the topic of my unusual "beliefs". Another one, been talking about criminal minds at work lately. A coworker really really thinks/wants this well, she said, HOT guy character called Morgan and Garcia a funny, loveable, geeky girl character to hook up.
I was like 'heeecccccckk NO!' LOL! the reason I don't agree is coz those two are like best friends, their relationship is so cute! He calls her 'baby girl, etc' and she will call him 'hot stuff, etc'. It's like they are both just best friends and very comfortable with each other.

What I'm trying to say about my unusual belief is I actually believe that a guy and a girl can be best friends w/ no other feeling attached. I know most believe that a guy and a girl can't be best friends and when they are so close to each other, they would always.. always assume that one likes the other.
Trust me, this is from my own personal experiences! LOL! I am usually friends w/ guys more than girls and recently one of my guy friends n I get really close, people would ask me 'do u like (insert guy's name here)?'-n no this is not the first time I got asked about my guy friends!LOL!- and I would just roll my eyes. At times, I wouldn't even entertain them and just don't give them an answer and that makes them wonder even more. LOL!
Why don't I just explain myself? well that just it.. I don't feel the need to explain myself to anybody, why should I? I don't owe them anything and nope I don't care if they think I like my guy best friend. What matter to me the most is that between my guy best friend and I, we both know what's going on.Who cares about what other thinks?! BUT, it's kinda somewhat nice to know that I wasn't the only get asked about, so did he. LOL!

Anyway, those r some of my unusual-ness. ;p


Xo for now,

-Na-

Random thought #4 - The Simple Little Things in Life

Some people say, "the big things in life are the ones that matter", some say "the little things in life are the ones that matter".
As for me.. The big things in life are those little things, those are the things that matter for me.

I don't think I ever say it before but for me, I appreciate all the little things that I did/do/will do w/ those people I care about more than all the big things I did/do/will do w/ others.
Say hanging out, doing nothing n just lazying around watching whatever and a simple dinner w/ people I actually care about is more important to me than going out to a fancy dinner for free with someone I couldn't care less.
Another example, hanging out, playing video games w/ a friend I care n enjoy spending time w/ versus going to say paintball-ing (i've been wanting to go, btw!) somewhere w/ random people. I mean yeah! I would love to go paintball-ing. But no, I would rather play video games if that means I get to hangout w/ people I care about.

Sometimes we feel like we need to give in to the pressure of hanging out w/ the big group, the "awesome", glamorous, fancy people. But truth be told, they don't matter! The ones that matter are those people maybe just a few of them and maybe they are not as fancy, but we love them because they are who they are and because around them we are who we are. They matter way more than those fancy people.

I honestly am grateful and glad to have those people whom I can enjoy spending my time with, with no drama or craziness. =D


Xo for now,

-Na-

New Year = New me?

Happy NEW YEAR everyone!!!!!! =) --> I know, one day late.. was trying to post it before the 1st ended but busy day today. Oh well.

So New Year eh? any new year resolution?! Meh.. I don't think I have any. I mean I guess I've an overall goal but no I don't have a list. My overall goal this year is just to be a better person, to be more mature, and to grow spiritually.

I'm really really glad to have a friend that I can always count on. Actually am really surprised that our relationship grows closer. =) I mean not even trying to get anybody say something like "no, you are not, yada..yada" but I could be pretty annoying I know. LOL! It's not like I do it on purpose, I'm just me. I'm one of those people when I care, I care soooo much, maybe too much? I don't know. But when I don't, I could just ignore you like you are not even there.

Hmm..maybe I should add that to my New Year goal, I mean after all that's included to be a better person right?
PJ one said, "it is easy to love someone that you already love but, it's HARD to love someone that you don't love". And I have to agree there. I'm bad because I've a so called "care list". It's basically a mental list w/ people that I care about on it. It's not that easy to be on it but it's really easy to be crossed out of it. Yeahhhh...I should try harder to love those people I don't love.

But I mean, truth be told I've been letting go on stuff. Say, there is this someone I don't get along w/ at all. I think she doesn't like me because word on the street is I'm too crazy. Eh, maybe I am, who knows. And I avoid her because I don't like how she is so bossy and how sometimes she talks to people like she is giving command to them. Maybe, it's all just a misunderstanding, who knows?
Anyway, I've been trying my best to just you know be civil about it, alright not that we fight, it's not there yet, hence I avoid her, because I know if I don't avoid her, we will fight for sure. But yeah, lately I treat her like an acquaintance. Hey, that's progress for me cause I'm one hard headed one right here.

I think it's back to those Godly people I keep surrounding myself with. They really are a good influence. Don't get me wrong, I'm still me, still have my own personality and my 'tude here and there. I mean, seriously, w/o em, I won't be me right?

Anywhoooo.. I think I'll end this here. That's my New Year resolution. To be a better me w/o actually erasing my own identity. After all God created me the way I am! One friend said, he is glad to have such a caring and UNIQUE friend like me. Haha.. UNIQUE? Weird?

Whatever it is, this NEW YEAR, I'm glad to still have those important people in my life and especially God. <3


Xo for now,

-Na-