Beating Myself Up!

So you know how I avoid all emotional stuff possible? Well, I guess sooner or later one will crack.

I'm not gonna go into detail but I have something that has been bothering me. And I don't like adding my problem to people that have their own problems.
Anyway, today, well guess I should say yesterday, was prolly the weirdest day possible for me. Was at church, was normal w/ the kids yada yada. Then we had our annual meeting yada yada.

Afterwards, something just hit me.. I felt really bad like there was something HUGE and HEAVY on my chest. I didn't feel like talking to people, I didn't even care what was going on around me. I tried my best to get rid of 'it' but I couldn't. So I just got up and left. I walked and walked and walked around Chinatown all by myself to make myself feel better... yeah, it didn't work that well.
It's funny, when I was walking, I met Auntie Mary. She would be the last person I would think would ask me a question 'is everything ok?'. Funny thing was, I was just walking w/ my ipod on and I still smiled and waved when I saw her. But she kept asking if I was ok. I was a little taken aback by it, am I really that easy to read? does my face show it all?

At the end, I ended up at church and I just sat there by myself charging my phone n playing w/ it. People trickled in one by one from I guess lunch and of course they wondered why I was alone n wearing my coat. I think it's always a clear indication for people that there is something wrong w/ me when I don't talk to people or wear my coat inside. LOL! But of course, I'm me, I just brushed them off. Even after Cynter tried asking n giving me a hug, it didn't work. They knew something is up, even people that always bother me, held back and left me alone.

But anyway, Bo n I went for bubble tea, I came back n tried to be all normal. Played around a little, got teased around about this boy-whose name shall not be mention- by PJ n Jacob, people bothered and teased me a little. Then, one by one they went home. There were 3 of us left, I don't really know what happened, we were gonna go home but we were stuck there n ended up chat and chat and chat.

Not sure what part hit me, I suddenly let my issue slipped out n I just broke down! URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I let that happened! I'm seriously beating myself up right now. GAAAHHHH!!!!!! In my life, there is only 1 person outside my immediate family that has seen me broke down like that and I'm sure it freaked her out a little since I'm not usually like that. N now 2 people! Oh gosh!!!! N no, the 2 people aren't those people I would usually have a deep conversation with. Ok maybe one of them is.. but still nobody was suppose to saw me like that!! I would eventually maybe maybe not prolly I'm still not sure actually tell a good friend of mine. Actually, after what happened today, I'm not sure I should tell him, I don't want him to be all freaked out by seeing me like that. And I have a feeling if I retell it, I'll break down yet again.

If you read this good friend of mine, just prepare yourself mentally if at the end I decide to tell you. And I apologize before hand if you end up seeing me break down. LOL!

I'll play it by ear I guess.


Xo for now,

-Na-