True Feeling...

Helpless

Hopeless

Lost

Smile

And smile

All smiles

What you see outside

Is not how it is inside

Broken inside

Crushed

Don't know what do

No destination

Just don't know

Struggling to have faith

Faith that's been keeping me strong

Faith that's slowly weaken

Day by day

Month by month

Year by year

It doesn't get any easier

Nobody said it will

I had hope

I was strong

Day approaching

I'm getting weaker

I'm losing hope

I'm losing ME 

Expectation...

Yeah.. I have none..

You know why? the higher our expectation, the more we'll get hurt. MEH!

Don't get me wrong, I expect a lot from myself. But that's just to me-for me.. I don't expect, at least consciously expect something from other people. Because people are people, we all think differently. What we have in mind as "the least I can do" for someone may not be what others have in mind.

Take this recent thing that happened for example.
We used to have lots of "event" at this someone's place and well I'm not trying to claim or anything but I'm pretty sure I was the closest among the rest to this person. She said this a lot when she has an "event".. 'Don't tell everybody, I don't want too many people maybe just you and A and B.' And I would asked her 'Can I at least invite C n D?'
I did that every time, why? maybe it is for my own selfish reason, because I want C n D to be there w/ me so we can have fun together, who knows. I just want them there, period.

Now then, something happened I guess.. I'm not close w/ A anymore and I don't know what she is telling the host, I'll give her the benefit of a doubt that she didn't say anything bad about me. But who knows, who cares, whatever.
But there was an event recently and guess what, I wasn't invited! N you know what, I could careless about that. I don't care if I'm not invited, aight fine maybe I was a little hurt that the host didn't invite me but invited A's friend that's not even close at all. But hey, maybe A asked the host if her friend could come. Who knows. I'm not gonna make assumption.
I guess what hurt me the most was the fact that my friend went around the bush instead of telling me straight up. That hurts. I guess I did have expectation from this friend that she would at least be honest w/ me or something. I don't know, maybe we think differently but I would like to find out from the friend that I trust, no matter how hurtful it would be, instead of to find out later on. It hurts twice as much.
Or maybe I unconsciously expect them to do what I did, to ask the host if it's ok to ask me to go? I don't know. I couldn't really blame anybody though, because beside the host that kept saying 'why do you want them to come all the time, they are probably busy', nobody knows that I did that. And no, when I did that I don't expect anything in return, I just want them there w/ me, because I love them and I love having them around.

I guess I did unconsciously had expectation. But look at that, it does nothing but harm. I just got hurt, again. LOL! I guess I never really learned my lesson. Ah well. Lesson learned, maybe?? LOL!
N I'm pretty sure people prolly have their disappointed moments w/ me too, because they expect more from me. So there you go. I know I'm not "perfect", so I know I couldn't really be upset either. Hey, 'poker face' come back to me!!! XP

Ah well..What's done is done. We'll all move on eventually, it'll all be fine eventually. It's all good. =)


Xo for now,

-Na-

I'm sad...

 

I'm a little bummed right now.

I know I shouldn't be but I am.

I feel like a big chunk of me is missing.

I knew this would happen.

This is why I don't like to depend on anyone.

But it happened.

I gave a piece of myself.

Lesson learned.

It's time to let go.

Get over it.

 

Xo for now,

-Na- 

Speechless...

When the whole family wants you to be their...

daughter in law

.

. .

.

sister in law

.

. .

.

grand daugther in law

.

. .

.

niece in law

.

. .

. . .

. . . .

. . . . . .

. . . . . . .

. . . . . . . .

. . . . . .

. . . . .

. . . .

. . .

. .

.

SPEECHLESS...

is acceptable right?

Xo for now,

-Na-

Approach and be approached

What is up peepz?! Been a while. =D

So just had small group tonight.. a discussion came up about a very conversational topic. So not gonna go there and discuss it here. We all probably have in mind what it's about right? right? if not, go check out today's news. 

We were talking about Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, and how He shows the way by say hanging out w/ those who aren't saved. That's how it all started, got pretty "heated up" on the "topic".

Basically one mentioned is protesting against certain belief the right thing to do? Isn't there a better way?
Another said, there will always be a better way, we just have to stand for what we believe in, defend what we believe in.
What would Jesus do? One said He would tell the truth although it hurts. Yes that maybe true but He would base it on love.
Go around and around in wrong, right, better, etc. Pretty much an argument between 2 people. I tried to be the middle ground but it's kinda hard when 1 of them is sooo stubborn and I would say a little close minded.

At the end, I said, you know what... I think it's not about better or right or wrong or defending what we believe in. It's about our approach to it. Is protesting against something really the approach we want to take?
Then I told them about a conversation at work this morning about a coworker of mine's mom. She went to church once and she loved it. BUT, the 2nd time she went, the church representative said, "if you want to be a member of the church, you have to tithe/donate this amount". And that just made her "whooooaa... this is uncool and tell the church off. Why is my faith being judge by money?"

Do you see what's wrong there? YUP, the approach is totally bad. I would totally turn around and left if that happened to me. I'm all about tithing but you can't just tell someone to give their money up and in specific amount too.
I'm so glad we don't do that in our church. Although it still bugs the heck out of me every time we have AGM and certain people would ask sooooo detail about the money issue, especially offering and tithing, like where the money go, etc.
Every time, in my head, I'm like really?! why?! you gave the money for you love offering to God, why do you have to know so detail where the money went? It's donation, you gave it up willingly, so just trust that it goes to the right places for the right thing, for God. SIGH!

But anyway, back to this approaching. I think there are better ways to approach certain issues, certain people and violence, negativity isn't the answer. Base everything on love right? So I'm sure instead of protesting against something, we can approach the issues nicely. Sure, it will take some times, it will take lots of patience, it will take energy. BUT at least it will hopefully eventually be fruitful. What does protesting against something do? NOTHING. ZERO. NADA. ZIT. NIL. It just creates more negativity.
So the next time, why don't we step back a little and think about it before we go out there and protest about something?! YUP!

ANYWHO! talking about good approach and basing everything on love. You know.. Eve was created from Adam's rib to be side by side of him, to be equal. Not from his head to be higher than him and not from his feet to be lower than him.
Why does certain man think it's ok to put woman down?! SMH!

If you are husband and wife, you argue, sure it's normal, it's fine. I think a relationship w/o a good "argument" is kind of blah. BUT there are different approaches to handle it here. I mean come on! if say, your wife don't agree w/ you on something and you are outside w/ people around you, why would you just battle it out there?!
If it's part of the discussion, one could do a different approach than say stuff like "don't touch me, I don't feel like talking anymore." Maybe like, "hey you know what, I don't agree on what you said. But let's stop here and we can talk more later at home"
SIGH! I can't anymore.

Isn't it in the bible that husband is to lead the wife, the family? BUT there is no where in the bible that said you can put your wife down. Husband is simply there to be the leader, to influence (biblically-based of course)- not to dictate, not to put down, not to demand.

I would let my husband lead me because that's how it's suppose to be BUT! we, women, are created to be equal, we are here to help men to lead, to grow together. Not to be put down. So women out there, don't be afraid to speak out! A good husband..heck let's not go that far, a good man would never put woman down. As the son of God himself born of a woman.

'Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.' ~ Colossians 3:19

'So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female, he created them' ~Genesis 1:27


Approach and be approached, be approachable. Respect and be respected, be respectful.


Xo for now,

-Na-

The Story of the Girl that just Turned a New Age

Oh hey! what's up!

Exactly 27 years ago at 11:55, I forgot if it's am or pm unfortunately (gotta check w/ parents), a little baby girl finally decided to go ahead and end the nervousness of her mom that was going to get C-section at exactly 12 o'clock and born into this world, at a hospital in a town called Malang in East Java province.
Word on the street is, she was sooo fair w/ very pink cheeks like apples. Some people asked jokingly to the parents if they bathed her in 'rinso'-a famous clothes detergent back then- because she was very very fair.
This little fair baby unfortunately didn't like milk, the parents had to gave her this glucose thing for her to get some nutrition. She grew up, very very picky w/ food, she didn't like to eat. Her parents, well dad mostly had to go around town on a becak - a public transportation w/ 3 wheels and a cart? they have em around 34th street for tourist- just to find her food that she would eat. Unfortunately the cheeky little girl would just eat a few bites of the food, stop, and make the dad eat the rest. She was really skinny and bony.

Eventually when she was 3, the family moved to Jakarta. The little girl went to kindergarten, St. Bernadette, and she was a cry baby. She would cry at the fence of the school for her dad that dropped her at school. That went on till she was 4ish, when she erm somehow changed and got her very first detention! When she was 5, she moved to another kindergarten, St. Jacobus. She stayed there till she graduated from grade school.
There she was very involved w/ lots of stuff like choir, dancing, drawing, different kind of sport (baseball, badminton, karate, whatever else she could get her hands to), girl scouts, the flag bearer, altar girl, little doctor, and many more.

However, most importantly, she was well known to beat up boys! Not w/ no reason but because the boys just liked to bother her all the time. She had very light brown hair, fair skin, and pink cheeks back then.. so they liked to call her 'bule' which is a word that people there use to call white people. Most people there would be happy to be call that but nope, not her, she didn't like it and the boys wouldn't leave her alone about it and of course the same old 'shorty' and just protecting her friends those were being bothered too. Too bad for the boys, the little cry baby somehow turned into a Xena.
Funny thing was, the teachers and principal-a nun loved her. She also helped the nun to grade exam and any other activities. Could be because she always got 100 at religion (catholic)? her parents teased her that she could be a nun one day.

At the same school, the misunderstanding btwn her and a boy she was very close too started. Yup, all the "ooo..she likes him, ooo there is something going on btwn them" started that early. And her not caring about it, started that early too.

Junior and senior high school she moved to a different school, another catholic school. She toned down a little, didn't beat up boys, had a "clique" w/ 3 other girls called Na4, involved in music, took guitar lesson, involved in the same old "she likes him, he likes her" misunderstanding.
Crushes, boyfriend, enemy, dramas, yup the usual high school thing. Nothing really all that special.

Finally she graduated and moved to the U.S.A for collage. Thank God for opening her way and to her uncle. Iowa state! she was going to go into graphic but she realized it's not the same graphic she had in mind.. so she stayed in art and suddenly jumped and decided to do double degree in art and design + textile and clothing - fashion basically just a had more technical thing hence it was under bachelor of science. 4 years there, didn't really experience culture shock, just a lil shocked on how friendly people were and how small that town was.
Collage was a great experience for her, all her friends were always older, always the baby. Traveled to some states w/ them, partied like prolly twice.
Here she took Mandarin and got in touch with her real root as a Chinese girl instead of ermm..the unknown, since technically she wasn't accepted in Indo yet she wouldn't be accepted in China either. Did some performance in Mandarin, wrote a story that was published in some Chinese magazine thing.
She sure had her fun times and of course created her very own clothing lines! and yes that means hours and hours in the sewing lab. But it was all worth it when the fashion show happened.

And here she is now in NY! This isn't her first time here, she was here just a little before she graduated, for an internship. Experienced the living in Manhattan, dang expensive it was.
But hey, she had a good time, she learned, she lived alone and grew up.

She is here now in NY, been almost 5 years now. Wow!
The highlight of her NY life so far is that God somehow "reunited" her w/ this girl, M, from collage that was a friend of a friend and M asked her one day to go crabbing for a church event and she went. Then M asked her again to go to church and just to see and she went. She wasn't sure at first since she was from Catholic background and it had been years since she went to church.

But boy, that little cry baby girl sure is glad that God guide her in the way He guided her. She got to meet these awesome people from Bethel, they accepted her like she was part of the family.
And most importantly, somehow God told her to stay and she did and she sure doesn't regret it.

Right this very moment, that little girl, not so little anymore, well ok maybe size wise she is still little. Anyway, that little girl is me, duh? I surely am glad on how things have turned out. Who knew 27 years ago that I would end up here.
I moved around a lot, people came into my life and left, I did the same to them.But I'm so glad for those who stay around, no matter how bratty, annoying, or mean I can be.
For those who came and left, I'm also glad because they are part of who I am.
The fun experience, the bad experiences, and most importantly the learning experiences. Everything is mixed in in one big ok small body namely me! Hopefully by turning into a new age, God will bless me w/ wisdom, I know I still have some growing up to do. But hey, life is a learning experience right? there is always a blessing in every lesson (blesson)!

Cheers to getting older!


Xo for now,

-Na-

The Thought in Dates

So, dates.. hmm.. what do you expect on a date night? Wine and dine? Broadway shows? Movies? Fancy restaurants? Home cooked meal?

Me? eh.. I'm not much of a wine and dine girl. I don't need all the fancy stuff. Truth be told, I don't really like it when a guy try so hard to impress a girl-me.
I think what's important in a date night is the time you spend w/ that person. It's not the food, it's not the movie, it's not the wine, yada yada. It's the time and the companion.
I mean seriously, if you love-ok like since this is only dates... anything else but the person you are with isn't important, right? LOL!
However, I like a great conversation! So please talk.. try to talk, anything, everything, no matter how random it is. Don't get me wrong, I like comfortable silence too,  but yeah.

Yes, I'm an easy date.. BUT it kind of annoys me when my date is late, unless he has a good excuse, tardiness just annoys me in general, not talking only about dates. AND last minute cancellation w/o a valid excuse. Strike one there, buddy. LOL!

However, there is one thing that would totally sweep me off my feet! a surprise! LOL! Yeah.. I love surprises.. no matter how tiny it is. I guess it's not a surprise, I love giving people surprises...so it's normal that I love it too, no? I just love it every time I see their happy surprised faces. It's like that "=D my job here is done!" moment. TEEHEE.
And I LOVE it when someone cooks for me! hehehehehe! Oh and it'd be even better if my date takes the lead and decides on stuff. Don't get me wrong, I like to decide on stuff too, but sometimes, I like to be spoiled and just show up w/o doing anything. It adds to that element of surprise, especially if he gets everything to a 'T' right on what I do/don't enjoy. ;p

But yeah bottom line.. fanciness and trying so hard to impress aren't necessary. Just be who you are and let nature take its course. ;)


Xo for now,

-Na-